Seeing yourself through the unfiltered eyes of others

Seeing yourself though the eyes of others
I won't go into details as to protect those involved but recently I was confronted on a very personal level about my long hair, tattoos, my divorce, finances, and my age. "Why do I have long hair and tattoos? Am I rebellious?" Why do I like bands that play metal music? How is that compatibly with Christianity?

I didn't get to answer the questions as well as I would have liked to but for my on sanity I think I would like to try now. Cause it made me think. Why do I look the way I do? Am I rebellious? Why am I like I am?

Basically here is the answer:
Because God made me this way.. I am an individual, I have likes and dislikes like everyone else. I like long hair and tattoos. But tattoos that are tasteful nothing evil of course. I was raised by 2 Christan parents that never judged anyone by outward appearances in addition they encouraged me to be myself. Would the world accept me? Well most do once they get to know me and for those that don't it is too bad that they have to be so shallow as to miss out on being my friend just because of the way I look. I see this as a form of prejudice no different than any other form of prejudice. The bible says not to judge by the way.  But I won't judge you by quoting the bible regarding judging . lol. Oh and Jesus had long hair.

Am I rebellious? 
Yes.. If being rebellious is refusing to be something I am not just to please others. As a Christian I feel like a rebel. It says to take the narrow path that leads to salvation. I think all Christians are rebellious. We don't conform to the world but rather are transformed by the renewing of our spirit through the Holy Spirit. In Jesus we are set apart.

Am I perfect?
No. I have a long way to go. I am shedding years of ideas, and thoughts. I am working hard to be better, and  to get closer to God so he can transform me further. If you see a relic of my past laying around on Facebook etc..please let it be known I am cleaning house so don't get too offended. Heck let me know about it and I will nix it.

Summary
God is not done with me and I will be doing more in his service in the next few years and on to the end of my life. I am not perfect and I still struggle with sin like everyone else but I am trying, and with God's help the rough edges of my personality and old life will be chipped away as time persists.

And for those of you who don't accept me. I want you to know I understand.  I am patient however and will do my best to show you that I am really a decent guy who is much more conservative than you might think. I am a work in progress and I am proud of how far I have come and I am excited to see how far I will go with God's help.

So I will stay positive, keep smiling and be the best Christian, Father, Husband, Friend, Son, Brother,Worker, and Musician that I can.

With God all things are possible.
Regards
Steve

Can we choose to be who we want to be?

Perception is not always reality
I am not sure why I always feel disappointed when someone fails to live up to my expectations. I should know by now that it is a rare event when someone will actually have the same idea about commitment, work ethic, or other topic.

My internal dialogue challenges me to face reality and accept the fact that the things I have told myself about people and about how they view me or relate to me is often a bunch of crap. It brings out the worst in me when I start to think down this line of thought. Why should I care? Does it really help for me to have an unrealistic view of the way someone feels about me, then be disappointed when they don't feel or act in a way that I would if given a certain situation. No it doesn't.

Is it possible to change?
I wonder if it is even possible to become who we want to be. I think for me it is a matter of understanding how I process my thoughts and feelings. Instead of allowing myself to go down the same path of thinking or feeling, I will try to put up a mental stop sign, then take an alternate path. The path I know will put me in the proper mindset, the mindset of the Steve / person I want to be. This is really hard because I am used to and often desire to think or feel a certain way. But as we know if we let our desires control us we will not always find ourselves in the best position. For example, I love cheeseburgers thus I desire to eat them. But I am aware of my genetics that say if Steve eats cheeseburgers he becomes a blimp. So to avoid this I don't eat them and I stay at a reasonable weight. I think the same principle applies to other aspects of life.

When it is all said and done I think most of my problems with depression and the things I don't like about myself are due to my lack of control of my thoughts, and feelings. So I have come to the conclusion that I must find a way to control what I think, and feel.

So who do I want to be?
The list below will define the characteristics of the person I want / will become;

1. Be independent and not really need anyone or anything to be happy
2. Be carefree and not worry about things that I have no control over
3. Be strong and calm in the face of adversity
4. Be loving, caring, compassionate, kind, patient, considerate, and selfless
5. To have no expectations or reasonable expectations of others.
6. To have a strong will and be fully committed to my goals always
7. To be as responsible as possible and think things through better
8. Be truly able to unconditionally love someone and not need anything in return
9. A person who pushes himself hard to achieve his goals
10. Having a clear mind, not clouded with concerns
11. To always think of others 1st

Okay your probably saying " Steve you must be crazy!"
To be honest I might be. lol. I don't think it is crazy to have high expectations of ourselves however. I see it as necessary to learn to forgive ourselves when we fail to meet those expectations. Because guess what?... We will fail from time to time.

How can you possibly become who you want to be?
As a Christian for me there is only one way and that is to give God the rains of my life. Allow him to change me through time. Only he can carve away the rough edges of my personality. Being like Jesus would be a good goal for anyone I think. After all he is a person that has most of not all of the qualities I want in myself.

There are many versus in the bible about the "gifts of the spirit" etc... I will post the versus soon as I am limited on time for the moment.

to be continued....

Swimming in a polluted sea

I had an interesting thought on the way to work this morning. I was thinking of the rat race; how every day is the same.

I get up early and go to work. I drink coffee and sit at my desk doing what I can to keep a job. Somewhere some rich guy's bank account has money deposited because I am there at my desk greasing the machine that keeps money flowing into his account. While I get a meager pay check and make ends meet, there I am every morning doing my thing until the day:
A. My job becomes obsolete,
B. They downsize me and ship my job overseas where someone will do the same thing at slave labor rates,
C. I get sick and can't work anymore,
D. I die.

Sounds fun doesn't it? Well, this is the life, "if we are lucky," that many of us face. It is a struggling life style in the United States.

Many may say, "Be glad you have a job." So what if I haven't had a decent raise in many years, even though I've been complimented for my hard work? So what if the company that I work for has posted record profits over the last couple years? The common mantra of the times is, "You have a job, so sit down and shut up!"

Just before I arrived at work, I thought, "We are all just fish swimming in a polluted sea filled with dirty oil, used paper towels, and diapers. The world is corrupt, dirty, and  rotten. It is filled with evil teletubby McDonalds death burgers."

We all survive by hiding in the rocks to avoid the sharks and we are acclimated to the pollution even though it makes us sick.

I guess my point is: We all want justice and fairness. But it isn't going to happen 100% of the time. If I had advice that I thought might help it would be this.

1. Just have a good attitude (in the midst of your circumstances).
2. Do your best.
3. Do everything with conviction and never give up.
4. Don't eat fast food, even in moderation. It is designed to make you addicted.
4. Remember that life is short and that we are all just passing through.

Life is sometimes pain and it is meant to be that way so we can learn a thing or 2 before we are off to the other side.

What I have learned about myself now that I am 40 in 7 days.

What I have learned about myself:

1. I have the capability to love deeply and to be very loyal.
2. I have moments of complete confidence in myself and yet have moments of absolute doubt in my abilities.
3. I have a big mouth. Although I have been working on thinking before I speak, it has been tough. I really need to work on this.
4. I can always improve my listening skills. I am really working on trying to get better at this. It truly comes down to focus and not allowing myself to get distracted.
5. I am pretty damaged. I have been hurt emotionally in the past, and I have come to realize that certain sad/negative feelings pour over me when I least expect it. This is bad. This has been a wake-up call for me, though, and I am not going to ignore it. 
6. I can lose weight pretty easily once I get into the mode. I lost 100lbs over 2 years and feel good that I can do that. It is hard to keep it off, but am trying new ways to do that. Mostly exercise and no fast food. 
7. I have a very open mind and can change if needed if I see a real issue with a former belief I hold. I am not set in my ways. 
8. I really enjoy being supportive. I really enjoy giving advice when asked, providing help when needed and just chatting.
9. I sometimes feel terrible and hopeless. This is just depression that I deal with as a sickness. My faith has helped me deal with this. 
10. I don't like change much. I like structure a lot. I love the idea of stability. 
11. I want a close family. 
12. I don't want to live alone the rest of my life. I'd much rather be with my love and be married.

What I have learned about life so far:

1. There is a god and he is not me.
2. My way is not usually the best way.
3. For me, life without God in it is empty and hopeless and I can't be the person I want to be without his spirit in my heart.
4. Sometimes we get a second chance at happiness. If we do we better not blow it. There might not be a third chance.
5. Love, friends, and family are the most important things in life and should always top our priorities over other things.
6. Your true friends will always be there for you.
7. Things will never turn out exactly the way you want.
8. Work hard and you will eat.
9. Eat right and exercise you'll stay in shape. Start this early in life.
10. Get an education and do what you love.
11. Don't get angry easily. Just breathe... 
12. Don't be surprised when bad things happen. Just think, "What can I learn from this?"
13. Don't worry. Life is too short for that. Just hope for the best and be at your best
14. If you're doing something stupid, just stop. Really, just stop.
15. Try and be optimistic. No one likes a complainer or a negative person. 

Life is tough:

If I had known what I know now during certain times in my past where life was being turned upside down, I would have not felt as terrible as I did then. It often makes me wonder why life seems to be one storm after another. We learn from the storms, we are sometimes irrevocably damaged by them yet they continue. The plan if any seems sometimes vague and random. Will there ever be some kind of feeling of stability and contentment? I hope. I feel like at this point in my life that feeling of contentment is closer then ever but I get the feeling that as soon as I grasp on to it that it will slip away.


I will be 40 years old in 7 days. Yes, 40. The one thing I have learned is, "Don't get too comfortable." Once you do, everything will be turned upside down again for the better or the worst. Of course, as a Christian, we always have Romans 8:28, "All things work for the good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose."  I think of this one often. This one is a catch all for issues good or bad. So, no matter what happens you can always say. "Well, all things that happen will turn out for the good eventually". I would agree, as I have seen it personally. But sometimes the wait is a real pain.


As I sit here in my desk chair writing this, I think of the great joy of all the wonderful things I have in my life right now.  I have wonderful kids who are smart, good hearted and bright. I have a beautiful, sweet, and loving fiancée who I love with all of my heart.  I have a decent job, car, apartment etc. I am also in the best shape of my life.
I am between storms at the moment, and the restful peace is great. I really needed it, and while I can see potential storms brewing on the horizon, I am watchful and prepared as much as I can be. I hope that next time a big storm hits I can handle it as someone who survived big ones in the past, and with the fore-knowledge that there will be calm again.

Don't ask don't tell? Repeal. I feel like I live in the stone ages

OK, check this out. http://www.cnn.com/2010/POLITICS/12/02/dadt.future.questions/index.html?hpt=T2

Basically, the U.S. military plans to finally repeal the archaic policy of don't ask, don't tell, which basically bans gays and lesbians from serving in the military.

This is where i stand on the issue:

1. Does it really matter if a person is gay or not. If they want to serve to protect our freedom they should be allowed to do that. And if the law is repealed then without being treated like a second class citizen.
2. "Oh no will soldiers ask for separate quarters, showers, bathrooms, or different eating arrangements?" This was a comment that was brought up in the story above. This reminded me of the early days of the civil rights movement when people of color were not allowed to eat in certain places, etc. Such an intolerant society in those days and I can't believe that we as a people still have to deal with this nonsense. 
3. The military should not tolerate intolerance. If there were racist soldiers who voiced issues with eating, and sharing living quarters with a person of color, they would be thrown out faster than you could blink an eye. So, why should gay and lesbian issues be any different? I think it is stupid to treat it any differently. 
4. THIS IS AMERICA! We are a diverse country with many races, sexual orientations, and beliefs. This diversity is our strength. Lets try and live up to the ideals set place in the constitution. Can we even follow our own constitution? 

Summary:
This is not a complex issue as some may charge. It is very simple. People need to be treated equally regardless. Just because your different doesn't mean that you deserve to be treated differently. I learned this when I was 8 years old. I was brought up by Christian parents that taught me to treat everyone the same regardless of their looks, beliefs, or sexual preference etc.. 

You might be asking yourself, "Oh, so you're a Christian aren't you supposed to be against the gay lifestyle?"

My response... The bible tells me not to judge anyone. If more so-called Christians were more like Jesus, their churches would be full every Sunday. I have too often seen so-called Christians use their hate + the Bible to be judgmental and spurn gays and lesbians. 

If God loves everyone unconditionally, and "I firmly believe he does" then as Christians we should also. Let's all stop judging people and start supporting each other. It's 2010. Time to get with it. 

Regards,
Steve

November 2010 = Financial crunch = lessons learned

I need this...

Money can't buy you happiness... Well it can buy you allot of stress relief which makes it allot easier to be happy. lol.

November 2010 was the toughest financial month I have had since 2005. I learned allot from it, and in the end I think it was a good thing over-all as crazy as that sounds.

What I am now calling "Financial crisis Nov 2010" was crazy. I didn't realize that a series of unfortunate issues coming up all at once could lead to a catastrophic failure of nearly every aspect of how I function daily.

YEAH FOUND IT!!!!

What started it all:
I went into November with no issues. Actually things were looking up. The engagement ring that was lost a few weeks earlier turned up in my boot in the closet. By some miracle it was in the boot. So I returned it and got my money back. The funny thing was the ring we replaced it with was much nicer. So it ended up being a good thing it was lost. At any rate I ended up with $1000. dollars that was now in my savings account thanks to the miracle of finding that ring.

2010 Hyundai Genesis Coupe 3.8

How it all started
My fiancée Holly and I were out one evening around the 2nd of November 2010 and we went over a small curb and heard a bit of a scraping sound. We didn't think much of it and went home. The next evening  as I pulled out to head to the store I noticed a suspicious fluid on my garage floor. I got out of the car and sure enough it was an oil like substance.
I though hmm.. maybe the oil place I get my oil changed at didn't tighten something. So I checked the oil and it was fine and then I was really confused. I took the car less than a mile away to the place I have my oil changed and they said "umm.. your transmission pan is made out of plastic by the way and guess what.. umm. it's cracked and leaking pretty bad and you better not drive it."

SO I then felt the sinking feeling of impeding doom and the vision of dollar signs flying out of my wallet.
I called the number on the side of my car that said " call to have the car towed in the event of an emergency." They would only tow the car to a Hyundai dealership of course. I had them tow the car to the Town and Country Hyundai at the dealership I bought the car at the next morning.

I called around to find out what the damage would be and no one would give me a quote since the transmission pan was so new there were no after market parts available for the car.

The following day I finally got a quote from the dealership services dept. Apparently that plastic plan costs $700.00 dollars and the transmission fluid costs $75 dollars a quart. Total damage = $1238.00. The feeling of being taken advantage of flooded over me the instant I heard that quote. This PLASTIC PART was not covered under the warranty? Nope. So I called around and still no one would else could even give me a quote. I agreed to the amount with more anger than I could express.

So it would take 2 weeks to fix unless I paid $75 dollars to have the part shipped overnight. I said why not.. I don't need to eat this month. lol.

Wait thats not it. On the way home during that week driving Holly's car I got a ticket for running a yellow light. Yes a yellow light. I was turning on a yellow and the traffic slowed in front of me a bit and I was over 1/2 way through the light and it turned red. I was out of the intersection but the King City Tactual unit officer thought it would help the public to give me a ticket amounting to $217 dollars. Could I fight it. YES. Do i think it would be worth it. NO. Needless to say this would add more pain to the month.

Not only that for the 1st time ever apparently AT had a major malfunction and auto billed me $191 dollars instead of the usual $78 dollars they usually take out. ARGG THIS MONTH SUCKS> I couldn't believe this was happening. Of all the months this could have happened it had to happen this month.

Savings = $1000
Extra expenses this month = $568

Observations during this difficult time

1. Holly my fiancée is awesome: 
   She let me borrow her car, helped me with groceries and provided me with love and support during a real difficult time. I have no way to express how much I love this woman.
2. I spend allot of money on little things: 
   After watching my budget so closely in November I realized that all the small trips to the store to get wine or snacks or whatever really add up fast.
3. Safeway is EXPENSIVE and overpriced: 
   Still have to eat so I decided to go to the local Grocery Outlet store and get just meat and basics to make it through and man I saved a ton. The food wasn't too bad and it was much cheaper. I decided to not shop at Safeway unless they have something specific that I have to have. 
4. Store cards are good in emergencies: 
   My good ole Target card really helped when I ran out of money to spend on basic food items. Which by the end of the month I was so low that I couldn't get any food. This was a life saver even though it is something I will have to pay back. Better than starving. 
5. I missed my boys so much it made me physical ill many times: 
   I have joint custody of my boys and during the month of November I was not able to see them as I couldn't afford to feed them or pick them up due to no gas or money. I called them but it wasn't the same. I was so sick on my stomach and had some real rough weekends missing them. 
6. I had to miss Church due to illness and lack of gas money: 
   I hated missing church as I need it, and I missed my church family but I really couldn't make it out and had to make sure that I had enough gas to get to work. 

What I learned
It was really rough. I found myself checking my bank account daily and watching every penny. I realized that I  could do better on watching my money. I also learned that in a pinch I could make it and that those who really love you will always be there in your time of need. In addition to consider when things are going well that it could always be worse. I feel much more thankful that I do as well as I do during times when things are considered "normal".

I did ask myself "why did God allow this to happen and what can I learn from this". As a Christian this is a question we always ask ourselves during times of trouble. I think he showed me that I need him. That everything I have is a gift from him and that I need to be a better steward of these gifts. I should support his church with more conviction.

 I leaned on him heavily during this time expressing my absolute dependence on him. I continually heard this bible verse  in my head that entire month:
"Romans 8:28. All things work for the good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose". 

I also was reminded of this:
"When under trial, let no one say: “I am being tried by God.” For with evil things God cannot be tried nor does he himself try anyone. - James 1:13

On this account I say to YOU: Stop being anxious about YOUR souls as to what YOU will eat or what YOU will drink, or about YOUR bodies as to what YOU will wear. Does not the soul mean more than food and the body than clothing? Observe intently the birds of heaven, because they do not sow seed or reap or gather into storehouses; still YOUR heavenly Father feeds them. Are YOU not worth more than they are?"

These were great sources of strength for me. Did I still complain in November? yes. lol. But I did try to keep it at a minimum. The key message I learned was it is so good to have a god that loves us and is there with us in our difficult times. He lifts us up and teaches us important lessons that if we listen can really change our lives for the better.
Thanks for reading this long post. I hope it gives you hope in your difficult times.


Regards
Steve

Welcome to my Blog

Steve Moore

Hello everyone.
I decided to start my blog today. Maybe as just an outlet for the lessons life has been teaching me lately.

I am an optimist through choice not by nature. So if I seem more upbeat than you would expect don't be surprised. :)

Thank you for reading and stay tuned for more.