I haven't posted lately

Well I am sad to say I haven't posted in a long time. I will be posting again soon however. I plan to take some time off of work soon and will be doing more social networking during my off time.
See you soon.

Peace in the storm

I felt led to blog today about a surprise that came to me this week.
I have been looking for a new position at my company and found out my manager denied a transfer for me. There were business reasons my manger had that "in my opinion" were just excuses that didn't really hold up as business reason in my point of view. This manager doesn't have my career development in any regard at all. Not being vengeful but I don't regard or respect him as a manager as he is very political and does not support his people.

I have been looking for 3 months now and so far nothing has come up and i have been thwarted at every turn.

So why am I surprised? I am surprised because my response in my heart and mind was very different than the response I would have had prior to walking with the lord.

Was I disappointed? Yes I sure was. I was a little angry also. But I felt very calm and the thought hit my mind very quickly after the news and that thought was "God is in control and he has a plan." He knows what is best and maybe just maybe I am supposed to stay where I am for the moment. I have had the great blessing of not feeling vengeful, overly angry, and i have been able to keep a positive attitude. This really surprised me. News that surly would have crushed my spirit in the past almost feels like a blessing as a witness to my faith.

Having faith in Gods control over my life gives me great peace and comfort. It also reminds me that When I am sad, feeling unwanted, disrespected, and not appreciated I can go to him and ask him for help and for him to give me wisdom.

And you know what? He does give me peace, and through his word and that still small voice he gives me direction and wisdom.

I can't and don't want to imagine a life without my lord. I will praise you in the storms of my life and I will call out to you.
My message to everyone who doesn't know Christ. He is patiently waiting for you and in him is hope.

Seeing yourself through the unfiltered eyes of others

Seeing yourself though the eyes of others
I won't go into details as to protect those involved but recently I was confronted on a very personal level about my long hair, tattoos, my divorce, finances, and my age. "Why do I have long hair and tattoos? Am I rebellious?" Why do I like bands that play metal music? How is that compatibly with Christianity?

I didn't get to answer the questions as well as I would have liked to but for my on sanity I think I would like to try now. Cause it made me think. Why do I look the way I do? Am I rebellious? Why am I like I am?

Basically here is the answer:
Because God made me this way.. I am an individual, I have likes and dislikes like everyone else. I like long hair and tattoos. But tattoos that are tasteful nothing evil of course. I was raised by 2 Christan parents that never judged anyone by outward appearances in addition they encouraged me to be myself. Would the world accept me? Well most do once they get to know me and for those that don't it is too bad that they have to be so shallow as to miss out on being my friend just because of the way I look. I see this as a form of prejudice no different than any other form of prejudice. The bible says not to judge by the way.  But I won't judge you by quoting the bible regarding judging . lol. Oh and Jesus had long hair.

Am I rebellious? 
Yes.. If being rebellious is refusing to be something I am not just to please others. As a Christian I feel like a rebel. It says to take the narrow path that leads to salvation. I think all Christians are rebellious. We don't conform to the world but rather are transformed by the renewing of our spirit through the Holy Spirit. In Jesus we are set apart.

Am I perfect?
No. I have a long way to go. I am shedding years of ideas, and thoughts. I am working hard to be better, and  to get closer to God so he can transform me further. If you see a relic of my past laying around on Facebook etc..please let it be known I am cleaning house so don't get too offended. Heck let me know about it and I will nix it.

Summary
God is not done with me and I will be doing more in his service in the next few years and on to the end of my life. I am not perfect and I still struggle with sin like everyone else but I am trying, and with God's help the rough edges of my personality and old life will be chipped away as time persists.

And for those of you who don't accept me. I want you to know I understand.  I am patient however and will do my best to show you that I am really a decent guy who is much more conservative than you might think. I am a work in progress and I am proud of how far I have come and I am excited to see how far I will go with God's help.

So I will stay positive, keep smiling and be the best Christian, Father, Husband, Friend, Son, Brother,Worker, and Musician that I can.

With God all things are possible.
Regards
Steve

Can we choose to be who we want to be?

Perception is not always reality
I am not sure why I always feel disappointed when someone fails to live up to my expectations. I should know by now that it is a rare event when someone will actually have the same idea about commitment, work ethic, or other topic.

My internal dialogue challenges me to face reality and accept the fact that the things I have told myself about people and about how they view me or relate to me is often a bunch of crap. It brings out the worst in me when I start to think down this line of thought. Why should I care? Does it really help for me to have an unrealistic view of the way someone feels about me, then be disappointed when they don't feel or act in a way that I would if given a certain situation. No it doesn't.

Is it possible to change?
I wonder if it is even possible to become who we want to be. I think for me it is a matter of understanding how I process my thoughts and feelings. Instead of allowing myself to go down the same path of thinking or feeling, I will try to put up a mental stop sign, then take an alternate path. The path I know will put me in the proper mindset, the mindset of the Steve / person I want to be. This is really hard because I am used to and often desire to think or feel a certain way. But as we know if we let our desires control us we will not always find ourselves in the best position. For example, I love cheeseburgers thus I desire to eat them. But I am aware of my genetics that say if Steve eats cheeseburgers he becomes a blimp. So to avoid this I don't eat them and I stay at a reasonable weight. I think the same principle applies to other aspects of life.

When it is all said and done I think most of my problems with depression and the things I don't like about myself are due to my lack of control of my thoughts, and feelings. So I have come to the conclusion that I must find a way to control what I think, and feel.

So who do I want to be?
The list below will define the characteristics of the person I want / will become;

1. Be independent and not really need anyone or anything to be happy
2. Be carefree and not worry about things that I have no control over
3. Be strong and calm in the face of adversity
4. Be loving, caring, compassionate, kind, patient, considerate, and selfless
5. To have no expectations or reasonable expectations of others.
6. To have a strong will and be fully committed to my goals always
7. To be as responsible as possible and think things through better
8. Be truly able to unconditionally love someone and not need anything in return
9. A person who pushes himself hard to achieve his goals
10. Having a clear mind, not clouded with concerns
11. To always think of others 1st

Okay your probably saying " Steve you must be crazy!"
To be honest I might be. lol. I don't think it is crazy to have high expectations of ourselves however. I see it as necessary to learn to forgive ourselves when we fail to meet those expectations. Because guess what?... We will fail from time to time.

How can you possibly become who you want to be?
As a Christian for me there is only one way and that is to give God the rains of my life. Allow him to change me through time. Only he can carve away the rough edges of my personality. Being like Jesus would be a good goal for anyone I think. After all he is a person that has most of not all of the qualities I want in myself.

There are many versus in the bible about the "gifts of the spirit" etc... I will post the versus soon as I am limited on time for the moment.

to be continued....

Swimming in a polluted sea

I had an interesting thought on the way to work this morning. I was thinking of the rat race; how every day is the same.

I get up early and go to work. I drink coffee and sit at my desk doing what I can to keep a job. Somewhere some rich guy's bank account has money deposited because I am there at my desk greasing the machine that keeps money flowing into his account. While I get a meager pay check and make ends meet, there I am every morning doing my thing until the day:
A. My job becomes obsolete,
B. They downsize me and ship my job overseas where someone will do the same thing at slave labor rates,
C. I get sick and can't work anymore,
D. I die.

Sounds fun doesn't it? Well, this is the life, "if we are lucky," that many of us face. It is a struggling life style in the United States.

Many may say, "Be glad you have a job." So what if I haven't had a decent raise in many years, even though I've been complimented for my hard work? So what if the company that I work for has posted record profits over the last couple years? The common mantra of the times is, "You have a job, so sit down and shut up!"

Just before I arrived at work, I thought, "We are all just fish swimming in a polluted sea filled with dirty oil, used paper towels, and diapers. The world is corrupt, dirty, and  rotten. It is filled with evil teletubby McDonalds death burgers."

We all survive by hiding in the rocks to avoid the sharks and we are acclimated to the pollution even though it makes us sick.

I guess my point is: We all want justice and fairness. But it isn't going to happen 100% of the time. If I had advice that I thought might help it would be this.

1. Just have a good attitude (in the midst of your circumstances).
2. Do your best.
3. Do everything with conviction and never give up.
4. Don't eat fast food, even in moderation. It is designed to make you addicted.
4. Remember that life is short and that we are all just passing through.

Life is sometimes pain and it is meant to be that way so we can learn a thing or 2 before we are off to the other side.

What I have learned about myself now that I am 40 in 7 days.

What I have learned about myself:

1. I have the capability to love deeply and to be very loyal.
2. I have moments of complete confidence in myself and yet have moments of absolute doubt in my abilities.
3. I have a big mouth. Although I have been working on thinking before I speak, it has been tough. I really need to work on this.
4. I can always improve my listening skills. I am really working on trying to get better at this. It truly comes down to focus and not allowing myself to get distracted.
5. I am pretty damaged. I have been hurt emotionally in the past, and I have come to realize that certain sad/negative feelings pour over me when I least expect it. This is bad. This has been a wake-up call for me, though, and I am not going to ignore it. 
6. I can lose weight pretty easily once I get into the mode. I lost 100lbs over 2 years and feel good that I can do that. It is hard to keep it off, but am trying new ways to do that. Mostly exercise and no fast food. 
7. I have a very open mind and can change if needed if I see a real issue with a former belief I hold. I am not set in my ways. 
8. I really enjoy being supportive. I really enjoy giving advice when asked, providing help when needed and just chatting.
9. I sometimes feel terrible and hopeless. This is just depression that I deal with as a sickness. My faith has helped me deal with this. 
10. I don't like change much. I like structure a lot. I love the idea of stability. 
11. I want a close family. 
12. I don't want to live alone the rest of my life. I'd much rather be with my love and be married.

What I have learned about life so far:

1. There is a god and he is not me.
2. My way is not usually the best way.
3. For me, life without God in it is empty and hopeless and I can't be the person I want to be without his spirit in my heart.
4. Sometimes we get a second chance at happiness. If we do we better not blow it. There might not be a third chance.
5. Love, friends, and family are the most important things in life and should always top our priorities over other things.
6. Your true friends will always be there for you.
7. Things will never turn out exactly the way you want.
8. Work hard and you will eat.
9. Eat right and exercise you'll stay in shape. Start this early in life.
10. Get an education and do what you love.
11. Don't get angry easily. Just breathe... 
12. Don't be surprised when bad things happen. Just think, "What can I learn from this?"
13. Don't worry. Life is too short for that. Just hope for the best and be at your best
14. If you're doing something stupid, just stop. Really, just stop.
15. Try and be optimistic. No one likes a complainer or a negative person. 

Life is tough:

If I had known what I know now during certain times in my past where life was being turned upside down, I would have not felt as terrible as I did then. It often makes me wonder why life seems to be one storm after another. We learn from the storms, we are sometimes irrevocably damaged by them yet they continue. The plan if any seems sometimes vague and random. Will there ever be some kind of feeling of stability and contentment? I hope. I feel like at this point in my life that feeling of contentment is closer then ever but I get the feeling that as soon as I grasp on to it that it will slip away.


I will be 40 years old in 7 days. Yes, 40. The one thing I have learned is, "Don't get too comfortable." Once you do, everything will be turned upside down again for the better or the worst. Of course, as a Christian, we always have Romans 8:28, "All things work for the good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose."  I think of this one often. This one is a catch all for issues good or bad. So, no matter what happens you can always say. "Well, all things that happen will turn out for the good eventually". I would agree, as I have seen it personally. But sometimes the wait is a real pain.


As I sit here in my desk chair writing this, I think of the great joy of all the wonderful things I have in my life right now.  I have wonderful kids who are smart, good hearted and bright. I have a beautiful, sweet, and loving fiancée who I love with all of my heart.  I have a decent job, car, apartment etc. I am also in the best shape of my life.
I am between storms at the moment, and the restful peace is great. I really needed it, and while I can see potential storms brewing on the horizon, I am watchful and prepared as much as I can be. I hope that next time a big storm hits I can handle it as someone who survived big ones in the past, and with the fore-knowledge that there will be calm again.

Don't ask don't tell? Repeal. I feel like I live in the stone ages

OK, check this out. http://www.cnn.com/2010/POLITICS/12/02/dadt.future.questions/index.html?hpt=T2

Basically, the U.S. military plans to finally repeal the archaic policy of don't ask, don't tell, which basically bans gays and lesbians from serving in the military.

This is where i stand on the issue:

1. Does it really matter if a person is gay or not. If they want to serve to protect our freedom they should be allowed to do that. And if the law is repealed then without being treated like a second class citizen.
2. "Oh no will soldiers ask for separate quarters, showers, bathrooms, or different eating arrangements?" This was a comment that was brought up in the story above. This reminded me of the early days of the civil rights movement when people of color were not allowed to eat in certain places, etc. Such an intolerant society in those days and I can't believe that we as a people still have to deal with this nonsense. 
3. The military should not tolerate intolerance. If there were racist soldiers who voiced issues with eating, and sharing living quarters with a person of color, they would be thrown out faster than you could blink an eye. So, why should gay and lesbian issues be any different? I think it is stupid to treat it any differently. 
4. THIS IS AMERICA! We are a diverse country with many races, sexual orientations, and beliefs. This diversity is our strength. Lets try and live up to the ideals set place in the constitution. Can we even follow our own constitution? 

Summary:
This is not a complex issue as some may charge. It is very simple. People need to be treated equally regardless. Just because your different doesn't mean that you deserve to be treated differently. I learned this when I was 8 years old. I was brought up by Christian parents that taught me to treat everyone the same regardless of their looks, beliefs, or sexual preference etc.. 

You might be asking yourself, "Oh, so you're a Christian aren't you supposed to be against the gay lifestyle?"

My response... The bible tells me not to judge anyone. If more so-called Christians were more like Jesus, their churches would be full every Sunday. I have too often seen so-called Christians use their hate + the Bible to be judgmental and spurn gays and lesbians. 

If God loves everyone unconditionally, and "I firmly believe he does" then as Christians we should also. Let's all stop judging people and start supporting each other. It's 2010. Time to get with it. 

Regards,
Steve